Selfies. Love them or hate them, you must admit, it’s pretty easy to hate them…
The term “Selfie” is a recent Australian concept, but the notion of the selfie has been around since before the invention of the camera.
This 17th century painting of the Dutch artist Rembrandt is a self-portrait. The painting is worth an estimated $50 million. Not bad for a selfie. Not bad at all.
The Italian Renaissance painter (and Ninja Turtle inspiration) Raphael, was a notorious selfie painter. He used to hide a selfie in his major frescoes. You could spot him, because he was the one “staring at the camera”. Here he is in his famous “The School of Athens” painted in 1509 in the Apostolic Palace of the Vatican. Nice one Raffa. Possibly also the earliest example of “Where’s Waldo”.
However, it’s hard to beat an original. In terms of “true selfies”, you have to hand to it to the guy who started it all. This dishevelled self-portrait by Robert Cornelius, taken outside his family’s lamp and chandelier store, is believed to be the oldest ever captured.
However, as a general rule, selfies are a no-go.
As a specific rule, selfies are a no-go.
There are very, very few legitimate, acceptable reasons to take a selfie.
These are those few examples:
1) The “Once in a Lifetime Selfie”
Where the rarefied surroundings warrant a sick, sick selfie brag. Like this guy – Lee Thompson. The 31-year old Londoner recently convinced Brazilian authorities that he should climb up the inside of Christ the Redeemer while in Rio for the World Cup.
This is the outcome:
2) Any “Smurfie Selfie”
Well, I am a Smurf tragic.
The talented Shayne Murphy whipped this one up for me. Nice one mate.
3) “Dog Selfies”
Sure, they’re not *real* selfies, but they are pretty freakin’ cool. They’re dogs. Taking selfies.
4) “Miranda Kerr Selfies”
Morning-hair, bedroom-eyes selfies? Please selfie away Miranda, I’ll tell you when to stop.
5) Ricky Gervais “Bath Pics”
The water’s natural refraction, coupled with the camera angle = comically distorted the features. The results?
6) “Covert Selfies”
When you absolutely, positively must capture the moment discreetly, but you don’t want to be overt.
Again, this one’s not technically a selfie, but it does really get to the “nuts and bolts” of it.
The rest, unacceptable.
Here are examples:
1) “Justin Bieber Selfies”
Seriously, is just me, or does Justin Bieber look like he is having something forcibly inserted, or removed, from his rectum in most of his selfies?
2) The “Gratuitous Selfie”
AKA, the “Obvious Selfie”. Yes, P-Diddy. We see what you’re doing. Obvious Selfie is obvious. Well done. You’ve stood where only a handful (of millions) of people have stood.
3) “Darwin Awards Selfie”
For those oxygen thieves who are wasting all that good usable air. You know who you are.
4) The “I’m a total cunt Selfie”
Yes Shaq, I’m looking squarely at you.
The Shaqwit ended up apologising to Jahmel Binion – a Detroit man with a rare disorder, for making fun of his appearance online. Binion was a massive Shaq fan. I stress, “was”.
Binion has ectodermal dysplasia, which affects his face, teeth and hair. He commented afterwards that he was “confused” when O’Neal posted a picture on Instagram making a face “imitating” Binion.
Binion said he was thinking, “Man, he’s supposed to be this role model, someone everyone is supposed to look up to. If Shaq does something like this, everyone who follows him will think, ‘We should do this.’”
5) “The Anti-Miranda Selfie”
Mr Warne, you know I love you, and cannot wait to catch up in a week or two. But Ms Summer Warne is spot on. Stahp! Please leave these to the professionals. Otherwise you will lessen the chance of Miranda “sharing” a bed-hair selfie.
Fortunately, there is some “Selfie Karma” as highlighted below.
1) The “Heads Up!” Selfie.
2) The “Pre- and Post- Car Crash” Selfie
3) The “Camel Chomp” Selfie
4) The “Keep Behind the Yellow Line” Selfie
5) The “Lowest Approval Rating” Selfie.
All in all, while this is a bit of a fluff piece, the recent selfie explosion must stop.
Self indulgent? Self absorbed? Self gratifying?
Either way, you’re likely to be spending more time with yourselfie if you keep this up.
But hey, if you absolutely must feel the need to send me a selfie, please feel free to go fuck your selfie.