Category Archives: Travel

Ebola

The Zombie Apocalypse is upon us!

Is it any coincidence that an anagram of “The Zombie Apocalypse” is “Zesty Ebola Hippo Came”?

Yeah…

Think about it…

But here are the cold facts. The World Health Organisation currently predicts that within a mere two months, there will be up to 10,000 new Ebola cases PER WEEK in West Africa.

If this assessment wasn’t grim enough, they are also predicting that the death rate will be around 70% – which is fearfully high for any disease.

“So Professor Gaz, without knowing precisely what the danger is, would you say it’s time for our viewers to crack each other’s heads open and feast on the goo inside?”

“Yes I would, Kent”.

For those of us fortunate enough to live in the first world, we are relatively safe. For now.

The good news? Ebola is not highly contagious.

Wait, what?! But Prof Gaz, just above you say it is spreading like wildfire?!

I did. But calm the fuck down.

Ebola is not easily transferred – unlike influenza or other airborne diseases that can be transmitted through sneezing, for example.

Ebola may only be acquired upon contact with blood (or other bodily fluids… yurghh) of an infected human or animal. The virus can enter the body via infected droplets (blood, vomit, faeces, semen… I repeat, yurghh) through broken skin or mucous membranes such as the eyes, nose or mouth.

Since it is not airborne like flu, very close direct contact with an infected person is required for the virus to be passed on. Infection may also occur through direct contact with contaminated bedding, clothing and surfaces, or contaminated medical equipment such as needles, syringes or surgical tools, but again it requires close, direct contact.

Once Ebola is inside you though, it rapidly multiplies in the blood, taking over and attacking cells, and replicating itself.

Ebola, I don’t want you inside me.

However, since close, direct contact is the only way it is transferred, Ebola “in theory” should be simple to control and contain. But then again “in theory”, Communism works.

So why is Ebola escalating? Why can’t we control it? Why can’t we contain it?

There are a multitude of reasons, but these are the key ones.

The Lack of a Cure, Fear, Money, Education, Stigmatism, and Bats. Fucking bats. Let’s run through them.

Lack of a Cure

Since Ebola was first identified in 1976, every outbreak has been contained with strict hygiene – isolation of patients and suspected patients, ensuring staff wore suitable protective clothing, and properly carried out cleaning and disposal of clinical waste.

There have as yet been no drugs to do the job because developing them is extremely expensive, and, until now, the major pharmaceutical companies have not seen enough of a market to justify the effort. That’s changing, fortunately, but we’re not there yet. Scientists are logically focusing their efforts on two approaches:

treatments to help people already infected with the virus
vaccines to protect people from catching it in the first place

Both are in clinical trials, but the forerunning treatment has been fast-tracked into production, and with some success.

“Fuck the clinical trials”, say those who are infected. “Test on me. What’s the worst that can happen?”

The Zombie Apocalypse. That’s the worst that can happen. But with the recent proliferation of zombie films flooding the market, no-one can say they’re not at least partially prepared…

*Gaz taps his ol’ faithful baseball bat*

Fear

The greatest fear, is fear itself.

Bullshit. The greatest fear is fucking zombies. Then clowns. And then maybe fear. But zombies are definitely first. And don’t get me started on zombie clowns.

Fear should be the reason why we ARE striving to contain Ebola. Fear is a justifiable feeling, given the circumstances. Ebola is fucking terrifying.

But fear can also hamper the process. The problem is that many individuals fear that they will be isolated if they so much as sneeze. So they hide away until the symptoms become too severe. By then, there is an increased chance of transmission to others, and a higher chance of mortality.

Money

The Australian Government has committed around $18m in financial assistance towards fighting the disease. Sounds nice, but Mark Zuckerberg and his missus have just committed $25m, and Bill and Melinda Gates last month donated $50m. Which kind of puts things in perspective.

*Australia has also drawn the line at sending health care workers to assist on the ground. That message alone feeds the fear notion. “If trained professionals won’t help us, what can we do?!” And they’re right.

The problem? Developing a cure is downright expensive. And the large pharmaceutical companies have not yet deemed that the cost justifies the focus of effort, for the relatively small volume of product that would have needed to be dispensed for previous, smaller outbreaks. But with the current outbreak being the largest ever, they must be getting close to a tipping point.

However the potential for a preventative vaccine should have the pharmaceutical boffins rubbing their hands in greed. What’s the population of Africa again? Did someone say “Cha Ching”?

All in all, the World Health Organisation and the UN estimate that they would need roughly $1bn just to tackle the outbreak. So far $507m of that has been pledged by government bodies, private businesses and individuals. So we’re halfway there, which is encouraging. But we’re still only halfway towards what is a massive, massive number.

Education

Probably the two key battles here are embedded cultural customs and the lack of literacy.

In terms of culture, there are a swag of customs and habits that contribute to the spread of Ebola. The proliferation of “bush meat” in the diet, burial ceremonies where families are intent on hugging the deceased, and a general lack of hygiene – seriously, so few carry hand sanitiser in their purses…

There is also a problem when the target community has a poor ability to read. If you can’t read, this sign seems to tell you that hugs, pouring your pumpkin spice latte over your hands, thumb wrestling, keeping exotic pets and Nanna’s secret recipe, fruit bat stew will all help to keep Ebola at bay.

That sign really needs those red strikeout lines through the circles, Ghostbusters style. Think marketing people, think! It’s not rocket surgery.

Hands up those that now have the Ghostbuster theme stuck in their head. Sometimes I wish Ray Parker Snr had just opted for the blowjob…

Stigmatism

Aside from the stigma faced by Ebola survivors, or families of those who died – which is terrible in itself – it is the stigma relating to the perceived risk of allowing care workers into villages for fear of them bringing contamination with them that is the major fly in the ointment.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s natural, human nature. But it is hamstringing the ability to control the disease.

Many Ebola patients who are treated in hospital EARLY will survive and recover. The earlier the treatment, the greater the odds of recovery. If health professionals are blocked from reaching infected communities due to the stigma of the perceived risk of these health professionals *bringing* the virus with them, then the potential for early treatment is eliminated. Furthermore, it impinges on the ability for sanitising and disinfecting affected communities and controlling the spread.

Again, this harks back to education. And in the third world, it is much more difficult to spread the true message.

Bats, Fucking Bats

Namely fruit bats. These fuckers can be Ebola carriers. “That’s great, I fucking hate bats”, you say. “I hope they all die of Ebola”.

The problem is, bats are immune to the virus. As if there was another reason to fucking hate bats.

Side Note: Talking about hatred of bats reminded me of a funny bit by Chris O’Dowd on the Graham Norton Show. He is a funny bugger:

The fact that bats are immune is one of the key reasons why Ebola is difficult to contain. Bats continue to spread the virus, even if the human spread is controlled. This is why there have been repeated, but well spaced-out breakouts in Western and Central Africa since the first Ebola outbreak in 1976. Again, the bats either can’t read, or worse – totally ignore, all of the Ebola advice signage. Fucking bats.

And to all of my Australian friends. Please note the regions marked with dotted lines, in which these fruit bat carriers currently proliferate:

Fuck you New Zealand!

So what now, good reader?

Reach into your pockets, friends and donate some of your hard-earned.

The “Centre for Disease Control” and “Doctors Without Borders” are currently channelling their efforts towards the Ebola crisis in West Africa.

You could do a lot worse than to send a few pennies their way.

http://www.cdcfoundation.org/globaldisaster

http://www.doctorswithoutborders.org/our-work/medical-issues/ebola

Failing that, start working on your double-tap.

10 Reasons This Planet is Fucking Awesome!

22 Replies

Look, I ripped into you a little bit in my previous post, Earth. Sorry buddy. You’ve actually been pretty good to me, on the whole.

So to be fair, and impartial, I think it is best to present the counter argument. Earth is a pretty fucking cool place.

Here are a few reasons this planet is fucking awesome.

1. TECHNOLOGY

Technology makes my life complete.

It is my work. It is my play. It is my night. It is my day. Look, it even inspires me to be a shitty poet.

With the internet and smartphones, we now have the world at our fingertips. Time spent seated on the porcelain throne has never been more productive.

I am however, sad to report that the Time Machine will never be invented. Someone would have come back to let me know by now, surely.

That being said, we’ve come a long way, and rapidly. Every year, things get faster, have greater capacity and are more efficient – while also getting smaller.

Here’s a fun fluff piece about how today’s smartphone packs in all the technology (and more) offered in a full-page Radio Shack ad from the early 90’s.

http://consumerist.com/2014/01/17/the-smartphone-has-effectively-replaced-all-the-technology-offered-in-this-1991-radio-shack-ad/

These technology advancements in the last 40 years or so, have rapidly increased globalisation. It has changed the way the world operates, which for my industry – gaming – has revolutionised the way we interact. You can sit at the virtual felt across from a laggy Scandy, a mad Russian (most likely several, mad Russians), a handful of crazy Asians and a rock from Gibraltar.

With respect to globalisation, how long until we have a global currency? 50 years? 100 years? Or do we already have it in a cryptocurrency like Bitcoin?

And how long until we have a global language? It is likely to be English. But how soon until it happens? Could it be Esperanto? It’s now the 64^th language feature in Google Translate… and it could solve the whole O-U-G-H (through, tough, bough, cough, dough, thorough, ought) torment we inflict on all ESL’s. Actually, the truth is that we can pronounce the combination “ough” in at least eight different ways. “A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed.” No wonder everyone hates the English.

Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yeah. Technology. Get on it.

2. MIRANDA KERR

Seriously, Legolas? For an elf with such perfect vision, how could you possibly let go of such a perfect vision?!

Such a shame too, I always thought they had the perfect hyphenated surname. Kerr-Bloom!

But kudos to Orlando for recently taking a swing at Bieber as a result of innuendo over the lovely Ms Kerr. Damn I hate that kid.

3. THIS GUY, AND OTHERS LIKE HIM

Scott Neeson.

The former Hollywood Executive’s eyes were opened to the abject poverty and helplessness of post-war Cambodia during a trip to visit Angkor Wat in 2003. He was on a mini-sabbatical between leaving his post as president of 20th Century Fox International and starting at Sony Pictures when he visited the sprawling landfill of Steung Meanchey, a poor shantytown in Cambodia’s capital, Phnom Penh.

Neeson saw a girl, dressed in rags, picking through syringes and broken glass. Her name, he learned through an interpreter, was Srey Nich. She was 9 and lived in the dump with her mother and younger sister. There they collected scrap that could be recycled, and they sold it to buy food. “How could anyone survive here?” Neeson recalls thinking. “I couldn’t look away.” He was shocked by what he saw, and pledged to return.

His epiphany came in June 2004. He had returned to the dump, true to his word, when he got a call on his mobile phone. It was an agent whose movie star client was having a meltdown before boarding his private jet because it apparently wasn’t properly stocked with his favourite amenities. According to Neeson, he overhead the actor in the background ranting, “My life wasn’t meant to be this difficult!”

Neeson was standing ankle-deep in trash, trying to help children sick with typhoid at the time. “The child I was holding was extremely sick, and here’s this movie star yelling about how difficult life was,” says Neeson. “If I needed a sign, that was it.”

So the Hollywood executive, who oversaw films such as Titanic and Braveheart, gave up his million dollar salary, sold his house, his possessions, his Porsche and his yacht and moved to Cambodia to start a children’s charity, the Cambodian Children’s Fund.

Cambodian Children’s Fund provides life-changing education, nourishment and healing to vulnerable children from some of Cambodia’s most destitute communities. Today they care for more than 2,000 students and 10,000 people annually after extending their services to provide to entire families and communities in crisis.

https://www.cambodianchildrensfund.org/

Check it out – brilliant stuff. Maybe throw them a donation. Or two.

4. WINE

Oh how I love thee.

No, not you, Merlot, sit the fuck down.

My thanks to the ancients, for stumbling upon the virtues of fermented grapes – reputedly as early as 6,000 BC. Apparently they observed birds getting giddy on the fermenting fruit, and tried it for a lark (pardon the pun). Well met, my tipsy Stone Age friends.

And even more thanks go out to the Romans for refining the craft. Renowned Roman reporter of the time, Gaius Plinius Secundus – better known as Pliny the Elder – wrote in 70BC “In Vino Veritas”. “In wine, there is truth”. I have to agree with ol’ Pliny. Although it can be a bit too truthful at times, as I have discovered the following day after a few too many glasses of truth serum the night before.

But even that Jesus fellow reportedly turned water into wine. What really bugs me is not that his secret died with him, but that when he was resurrected, no one thought to ask him how he did it. You had forty days, you nincompoops! He broke bread with you. He took a walk in the countryside with you. Heck, he even went fishing with you. And yet no one thought to ask?! Sigh. I blame you, Doubting Thomas. Then again, Jesus may just have been a bit closed-shop. You don’t become the world’s most famous magician of all time, if you give away the secrets to all of your tricks…

What is truly wonderful about wine, is that it gets better with age, as does its value. The same cannot be said about the items slowly congealing in my vegetable crisper.

In fact in 2010, divers exploring the wreck of a schooner sunk in the Baltic Sea between Finland and Sweden discovered a total of 162 bottles of champagne, mostly intact. The bottles were dated from between 1825 and 1830. Of these 162 bottles, 79 were still drinkable, preserved as a result of the horizontal way they landed, and the cold Baltic waters.

In 2011, one of the shipwreck bottles, a rare Veuve Clicquot Champagne was auctioned for €30,000. What is remarkable about these bottles, is that they were actually produced under the watchful tutelage of the famous widow, Madame Clicquot herself (veuve meaning widow in French, and from whence the name change originated. It was simply Clicquot Champagne before that).

Madame Clicquot. What a handsome, handsome woman…

Did you also know it was safer to drink wine during the Black Plague than water? Me neither, but I’ll drink to that *clink*. Here’s to avoiding the plague.

And next year marks 50 years since South Australia invented boxed wine. Maybe that’s not so much of a brag, but it is an interesting fact. No you’re right. It’s neither.

Where was I? Oh yeah, stay outta my booze!

5. SCIENCE

I fucking love Science! Seriously, you should “Like” that page on Facebook. It’s hilarious. And you learn stuff.

Man has always had a thirst for knowledge. From Galileo the astronomer and physicist who inspired Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody, to Brian May the guitarist for Queen who is also an astrophysicist.

Hats off to all the daddies. From Hipprocrates, Father of Medicine; to Aristotle, Father of Biology; to John Kerr, Father of Miranda.

I can’t forget the mums either, from Marie Curie, Mother of Nuclear Science; to Florence Nightingale, Mother of Nursing; to Therese Kerr, for previously mentioned reasons.

Big shout out also to Charles Babbage, Father of the Computer. Babbage was the inventor of an early computer known as the “Difference Engine”, which was never fully constructed in his lifetime. Amazingly in 1991, a perfectly functioning Difference Engine was constructed from Babbage’s original plans. The success of the finished engine indicated that Babbage’s machine would have worked. Just think, if only people had backed Babbage on Kickstarter, Gavrilo Princip might have been so stuck on Level 147 of Candy Crush that he wouldn’t have looked up when Franz Ferdinand took that wrong turn, sparing us that whole, nasty First World War. Indeed Ferdinand’s driver probably wouldn’t have gotten lost in the first place if he’d had access to a reliable NavMan…

Kudos too to Pythagoras for introducing us to the wonder of triangles, to Archimedes for his revolutionary bath work, and to Pavlov, Schrodinger and Isaac Newton for their excellent work with household pets. What?!

“Sir Isaac Newton, renowned inventor of the milled-edge coin and the catflap!”

“The what?” said Richard.

“The catflap! A device of the utmost cunning, perspicuity and invention. It is a door within a door, you see, a …”

“Yes,” said Richard, “there was also the small matter of gravity.”

“Gravity,” said Dirk with a slightly dismissed shrug, “yes, there was that as well, I suppose. Though that, of course, was merely a discovery. It was there to be discovered… You see?” he said dropping his cigarette butt, “They even keep it on at weekends. Someone was bound to notice sooner or later. But the catflap … ah, there is a very different matter. Invention, pure creative invention. It is a door within a door, you see.”

― Douglas Adams, Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency

To the Renaissance men, from Copernicus who showed us we weren’t the centre of the universe (are you listening Biebs?), to Da Vinci’s helicopter (and he painted a bit too, I hear?), to Paracelsus, who is remembered for his advancements to medicine – but who should really be best known for introducing the word “bombastic” to the vernacular. Shaggy, I think you owe Paracelsus some royalties…

To the early 20^th Century geniuses, from the glowing Marie Curie, to Einstein – the unwittingly, indirect destroyer of Hiroshima, to the brilliant and oft under-recognised Nikola Tesla who ultimately brought us WiFi and electricity. Bless you Mr Tesla – *sniff* – bless you.

Incidentally, I love this photo below, taken at the Solvay Conference in 1927. It is basically a compilation of the “rockstar” minds of the time. I’d like to think Schrodinger was gazing distractedly off to the side because he thought he glimpsed his cat. I’d also like to think that Planck and Lorentz had a full head of hair before sitting next to Marie Curie. Should have worn your lead hats, fellas…

What is also wonderful about science, is that it explains *factually* how we got here. Thank you to Mr Darwin for introducing us to evolution (although technically thanks should go to Alfred Wallace for first conceptualising it).

“The bombshell comes in 1859 when Darwin publishes On the Origin of Species. It takes a long time before we really get to grips with this and begin to understand it, because not only does it seem incredible and thoroughly demeaning to us, but it’s yet another shock to our system to discover that not only are we not the centre of the Universe and we’re not made by anything, but we started out as some kind of slime and got to where we are via being a monkey. It just doesn’t read well.” Douglas Adams – The Salmon of Doubt

But I think the Hickey brothers from “My name is Earl” put it best:

Randy Hickey: Did you know that before we were humans we were monkeys?

Earl Hickey: Really? What were we before monkeys?

Randy Hickey: I don’t know. I can’t even remember being a monkey.

Thanks finally to the modern day scientists who keep science in popular culture, from frequent Guest Star of the Simpsons – Stephen Hawking, to “We got a Badass” Neil deGrasse Tyson, to those well-paid, but loveable scienticians in that documentary series, The Big Bang Theory.

“If every trace of any single religion were wiped out and nothing were passed on, it would never be created exactly that way again. There might be some other nonsense in its place, but not that exact nonsense. If all of science were wiped out, it would still be true and someone would find a way to figure it all out again.” ― Penn Jillette, God, No! Signs You May Already Be an Atheist and Other Magical Tales

“The good thing about science, is it’s true whether or not you believe in it” – Neil deGrasse Tyson

Thanks Neil. You truly are a badass.

6. GAME OF THRONES

I haven’t read the books, so I can only speak for the show, but for a TV program to have the following interchange, proves to me that this planet is alllll-right.

The Hound: Of course you named your sword.

Arya: Lots of people name their swords.

The Hound: Lots of cunts.

Doesn’t that just warm the cockles of your heart? Even the subcockles?

A slew of complex characters. Witty scriptwriting. Numerous interwoven subplots. Subterfuge and deception. Surprises aplenty. I simply can’t get enough of it.

7. IRONY

I love irony. Particularly of the paradoxical, incongruous kind. For example:

But again, I shall defer to those who can articulate better than I can. Watch as Irish comedian Ed Byrne goes to town on Alanis Morissette’s ironically named ditty, “Ironic”. In fact, a more ironic song, in light of recent nuptials, would be Kanye West’s “Gold Digger”…

To quote Ed Byrne, “That’s not ironic. That’s *unfortunate*”.

Ironically, at the risk of contradicting my previous post, where “People” were one of the reasons I don’t want to live on this fucking planet anymore, I must attach a codicil. I admit to loving gullible people, as they are much more fun to flame, troll, and generally mess with. There are fewer things more enjoyable in life, than poking a bigot with a metaphorical stick.

8. FLYING FIRST CLASS

Why?

Private “suite” – no armrest wars and wider, more comfortable seats with unlimited legroom, and a dinner table -incase- want to invite guests up from Business Class or Coach!
Quality materials and impeccable finishes, larger windows with electronic blinds and a closet for storage
Turndown service – seat reclines into a 2 m long fully, flat bed with quilted mattress, crisp white cotton duvet and pillow with complimentary cotton pyjamas – a cosy Gaz, is a happy Gaz
Complimentary toiletries – a moisturised Gaz, is a supple Gaz
Large screen multi-media entertainment system – an entertained Gaz, is a distracted Gaz
Room for laptops and other devices, as well as in-seat power supply for charging said devices – a fully charged Gaz, is an un-tilted Gaz
Chef prepared dining – when and how it suits you – a full Gaz, is a contented Gaz
Wide selection of quality wine and beverage options – a drunk Gaz, is… well… drunk. But a mighty tipper!
Access to the First Class Lounge at either end of your journey with discreet booths, full waiter service, private cabanas and a state-of-the-art business suite

Well there’s not much more I can say. But this picture says it all. Needless to say I never fly Coach.

9. THREE MICHELIN STAR RESTAURANTS

In 1900, the Michelin Brothers released an automobile touring guide for France, despite there only being 3,000 registered motor vehicles, and the roads that existed being primitive at best.

The Michelin Man. Creeping out small children since 1898. Nice to see Harvey Keitel hasn’t aged a day, however.

The Michelin Star system wasn’t born until 1926, with the creation initially of a single dining star. In 1931 the system was expanded to include the second and third stars.

By 1936, the definition of the stars was established…

One Star: A very good restaurant in its own category

Two Stars: Excellent cooking, worth a detour

Three Stars: Exceptional cuisine, worth a special trip

… and the system hasn’t changed since.

The guide has become so revered that it has the power to make or break a restaurant, and shatter the souls of elite chefs. In fact, Chef Bernard Loiseau shot himself in the head with a hunting rifle after rumours that his restaurant was to be demoted from three-stars to two in 2003. It wasn’t.

Currently, there are 117 – 3 Star Michelin Restaurants in the world. Indeed, you may be surprised to learn that the country with the most 3 Star restaurants is actually Japan, not France.

I’ve had the pleasure of dining at quite a few (actually over half of them including 19 of the top 20), and they are on the whole, quite simply, brilliant.

They range from the small (and frankly bizarre) Sushi Saito, which was housed in a multi-story car park opposite the US Embassy in Tokyo, and seats just 7, to the exceptional, ‘molecular gastronomic’ experience that is Heston Blumenthal’s Fat Duck. I particularly enjoyed the Mock Turtle Soup.

I had the fortune to meet Heston at a celebrity media event, and have had the pleasure of being his guest at The Fat Duck on several occasions since.

What did you say? Pretentious? Moi?!

Snobbiness aside, you should attempt to visit at least one 3 Michelin Star restaurant in your lifetime. You won’t regret it, and it’s a nice one to tick off your bucket list.

10. LAST, BUT NOT LEAST, SMURFS!

Or as they should be known, Les Schtroumpfs.

Whatever you call them, I love those little Commie bastards!

Home of the Brave… and Quirky!

29 Replies

Well right now I am in Vegas, for some partying and poker. Epic dinner was with had with some mates last night including fellow blogger Nolan Dalla, whom is going to write up about some of those shenanigans!

Let me start by saying that I love America, I’ve spent a lot of my life here.

I also love Americans (well some of them). However, it must be noted that you do have some quirks.

You may not know you’re doing them, so perhaps it’s time we had a little talk.

Here are some things that stand out to an outsider:

1) Overuse of the word “like”:

I don’t know how this has developed – I’m talking squarely to you, Generation Y – but it is a blot on society. Like is currently being used, like on average, like once every four words. Life is not one big simile, kids of America!

Stop using “like” as a sentence filler.

Even worse is when “was like” is used to replace the word “said”. Folks, you do realise it is shorter, and easier, to simply use the correct term “said”.

Point in question. Rather than saying “And I was like, I should totally get this skirt. And she was like, you totally should”.

Perhaps try “And I said, this skirt is delightful! I simply must have it! Her reply emphatically supported my notion.”

2) Superficial, Over the Top, Insincerity:

“How’re yooouuuu?” The long, drawn out, 1½ second “ooooo” sound really bugs me. It feels superficial. It feels insincere. It feels fake. Stop it.

I know what you’re going to say – would I prefer genuine rudeness over superficial friendliness?

Yes. Of course I would. It’s honest. It’s real. And I respect that.

What I don’t respect, is being patronised by someone who really, really, doesn’t give a fuck.

3) No metric system:

Seriously America. Why?

It is so easy to use. Factors of 10. Simple.

You are one of only 3 countries that haven’t fully adopted the metric system. Can you guess the others?

The global powerhouses of Myanmar and Liberia. But you’d better be quick, Myanmar are in the process of making the switch.

Here’s the thing. You’ll have to make the leap eventually. It is inevitable. The longer you wait, the harder, and more costly it will be to introduce.

And if by chance the aliens do one day visit us, you don’t want to be embarrassed, do you? Just you, and ol’ Liberia in the corner, licking the windows.

4) Tipping:

Yes, EVERY foreigner goes there. And yes, I’m going there too.

Why do you suppose that is? It is because the system is fucked up. You’ve let tipping rule you. And it shouldn’t.

I have no objection to tipping well for good service. I will also tip exceedingly well, for exceedingly good service. What I do not feel comfortable doing, is tipping for mediocre service.

Sort out your minimum wage system, charge us enough to cover the worker’s wages in the price of the service, and allow people to tip – at their discretion. It’s really straightforward. The rest of the developed world does it. Why can’t you?

Don’t come back at me with “but that’s just how we do things”. If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten – gently, mocking jibes from the rest of the world. You don’t deserve it, so sort it out.

Tipping a taxi driver. Fuck me.

5) Super Sizing:

There should be a law, that you can only order a supersize meal, if you can prove it will be shared amongst a small to medium sized family.

No single human should consume that volume of food in one sitting. Not even if it *was* healthy.

6) Guns:

Yes, yes. Guns don’t kill people. People kill people (and small, furry animals).

But when was the last time you heard about a “mass stabbing”?

When gun reform was introduced in Australia after the Port Arthur Massacre, there has not been one single mass shooting. Not one.

Check out John Oliver’s 3-part piece that tells it better than I can. Whoop de fucking doo.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9pOiOhxujsE&index=1&list=PLoO6eym0L0F3mJ7qk4ogi8loeiMH8Osrj

7) Non-compulsory voting:

Non-compulsory voting would be fine, if more people actually turned up to vote. In the 2012 Presidential Election, the voter turnout was just over half (~57.5%). That’s pretty abysmal. 42.5% couldn’t give a fuck? Is it apathy? Disinterest? Disenchantment? Contentment? Indifference?

Don’t assume that those who do turn up to vote are the “right people to make the decisions”? You’re a patriotic nation. It’s your duty (and privilege) to vote.

Take an interest – make a difference. You live in an awesome country. Don’t let everyone else decide how it’s run. Have your (informed) say.

You have no right to whinge about the government, if you sat on your hands when you had the chance to do something about it. Worst comes to worst, at least you can say “I voted for the other guy”.

8) $1 bills:

Dump the fuckers. They’re useless wallet fillers. Switch to coins, and you will boost the economy by over $5 billion over 30 years, simply by reducing the need to reprint old, worn currency.

The rest of the industrialized world replaced their $1 bills with coins. And don’t complain that they would be too heavy. No-one complains about carrying quarters. One $1 coin is lighter than carrying 4 quarters.

I will conceded that it is harder to stuff a $1 coin into a g-string. But you can throw them further…

9) The “World Series”:

Yeah, you know where I’m going with this.

You know you technically shouldn’t call something a “World Series”, when the rest of the world isn’t competing. No other country does this.

Surely you’re all self-aware enough to be just a little bit sheepish about this one.

10) Flags:

You’re patriotic. I get that.

You’re proud, I get that too. You have much to be proud of.

What I don’t get, is your obsession with flags. Flags are EVERYwhere. And not just in civic settings.

But who exactly is your target audience, when you hang a flag in your front yard? Is it to prove your allegiance? Is it to one-up your neighbour? What do you do if they then buy a flag? Buy another flag?

You are the most flag-obsessed people on the planet, and I just don’t get it.

11) Pickles:

What is it with America and pickles?! The average American eats around 4kg (over 8lbs) of pickles every year.

That’s a lot of fucking pickles.

Don’t get me wrong, I like a good pickle. But please stop with the complimentary pickle.

If I desire a pickle, I shall ask for said pickle.

And why pickles in the first place? Why not a banana? Why not a pretzel?

12) Product Pricing:

Include any taxes in the total advertised product price. Let people know in advance, exactly how much they need to pay for an item.

By all means, provide a receipt which shows the cost of the goods sold, along with any relevant taxes, but when advertising a product, be upfront and honest.

Do you not include taxes in the advertised price because it looks cheaper?

Is it because taxes vary from state to state?

Is it because you simply like to fuck with your customers, at every opportunity?

Surely it is not difficult to put a sticker on shelves in front of items, featuring the full purchase price? I appreciate there is extra work involved (it’s really not that much work, but I’ll throw you a bone), but the advantage is the service you provide your customer, and the resultant satisfaction. This is Business 101. Customer retention. Small gestures often reap long-term rewards. And it is seriously, not that hard.

Other countries in the developed worlds have sales taxes. They seem to be able to advertise the full ticket price.

Frankly, it just seems, as per a lot of my points, you seem strangely addicted to retaining goofy systems.

13) Cheese in a Spray Can:

How did this product even come into existence?!

Can you imagine the round-table discussion by the focus group boffins?

“I like cheese, but I hate the inconvenience of having to unwrap the cheese. Cut off a slice. And then put it on a biscuit. All before I can put it in my mouth? Seriously, I don’t got that kinda time. If only there was a way of fast-tracking the union of cheese with gullet…”

And hey presto. Cancer in a can was born.

14) Religion:

As an atheist, there is far too much religious zealotry in the USA for my liking. It invades politics. It invades schools. It invades your televisions.

There is no place for religion in public policy.

15) Bastardising the English language:

Or as the Americans would say, “Bastardizing”. Why have you selectively changed the spelling of the mother tongue? You are the sole reason there are two English language options in most software applications.

Do me a favour? Stop changing the way favour is spelled… (or colour, or honour, or recognise, or plagiarise).

16) “African American”:

Not the actual people – just the term “African American”. The point is they are just people. American people. Why is there a need for any qualifying label? I don’t know of any other country where this nomenclature exists. African Canadians? African Italians? African Irish?

Dr King’s dream would appear to still be a long way off.

17) Canned Laughter:

Give the viewing audience some credit. They will know when to laugh, without prompting. In fact, there are few things worse, than canned laughter inserted after something flagrantly unfunny. Like after anything Tom Green says.

18) Pizza Pie:

Pizza and Pie are both lovely things in their own right, but they are surely different. A pizza is not a pie. Ask the Italians. They’ll back me up.

19) Giant Gaps under Toilet Stalls:

Why? I absolutely, do not wish to be able to see another person, or have them able to see me, when I’m “dropping the kids off at the pool”. I fail to see why this phenomena exists. Who wants this?

Incidentally, why do you guys call it a “Rest Room”? There aren’t even any bean bags?!

20) Walmart.

Enough said.

Change, don’t change, it’s up to you, you quirky bastards. I’m still going to love you (although I will talk about you behind your backs).

Bad Air Day

443 Replies

I hate airports. Airports are nature’s armpits. Yet it feels like I spend half of my life in them. In fact I probably do. For most of my adult life, I’ve travelled extensively for work, interspersed with pleasure. As such, I’ve seen a lot of airports, in a lot of countries. For the most part, they’re dreadful places, but there’s no reason that they should be. Yet sadly there’s precious little we can do about it.

Partly we pay for airports with fees hidden in our ticket prices. As such, we are essentially captive customers. We can’t take our business elsewhere without it being awfully, awfully inconvenient and/or inefficient. The Siberian Railway, Zeppelins and Shetland Ponies will only get you so far, nowadays.

Can we protest the charges hidden in our airfares? No.

Can we negotiate a better deal? Of course not.

Airlines aren’t going to help us either. They want to pay the airport as little as possible to use it themselves, so they’re happy for passengers to be endlessly swindled by rampant profiteering. “That’ll be $100 for parking, $15 for that limp sandwich and $10 for your teensy, tiny beer, etc. etc.”

So what are my* biggest gripes? Here are twenty to get you started:

1) Wi-Fi:

All airports should have free Wi-Fi. We’re forced into turning up hours before departure to make things smoother for both the airport and the airlines. The least they can do is pony up for free and good Wi-Fi. Relax, we’ll still buy your overpriced, tepid coffee. Just please allow us to get some business done. Or at the very least distract ourselves from all the other unpleasantness, and heaven forbid, interactions with humans.

2) Security:

Stop the over-scrutinising security. More than 12 years on from 9/11 and airport security remains a theatre of the absurd. Bin Laden must be laughing (gurgling?) in his grave.

It started with the confiscation of all things pointy. No more mid-flight self-administered mani-pedis for Uncle Gaz. Sigh. Now I’m embarrassed to show my toes in meetings.

Next came the mandatory shoe and belt removal, accompanied by increasingly bored pat downs. Seriously if you’re going to touch me up, at least show some interest. Indeed Security don’t actually need you to remove your belt and shoes. These sadists get their kicks from watching you try to waddle off while juggling all of your shit (laptop, keys, wallet, phone, sunglasses, bag, belt and shoes) with one hand, while holding your pants up with the other. There’s a word for them, and it doesn’t not rhyme with bunts.

The latest was the prohibition of liquids and gels. The liquid thing always makes me laugh. At every security checkpoint you’ll see a bin brimming with “contraband” containers taken from passengers for having exceeded the volume limit. Now, the assumption has to be that the materials in those containers are potentially hazardous. If not, why were they seized in the first place? But if so, why are they dumped unceremoniously into the trash? They are not quarantined or handed over to the bomb squad – they are simply thrown away. They seem to be saying they know these things are harmless, but they’re going to confiscate them anyway, and either you accept it or you don’t fly. Point in question – renowned (and outspoken) atheist Richard Dawkins reacts to having a small pot of honey confiscated. I hear you, Mr Dawkins. http://www.news.com.au/travel/travel-updates/scientist-and-atheist-activist-richard-dawkins-loses-it-after-airport-security-confiscates-his-honey/story-e6frfq80-1226753217875

3) Layout:

Airport design boffins – please design airports more functionally. Seriously, you should have anticipated that there would be queues. So at least design the place so that the inevitable queues don’t cross the thoroughfares. Should be simple enough, surely. I hate queues at the best of times, but having to cross a queue to get to another queue, is not only impractical, but downright infuriating (see Point #7 for more information). Furthermore, many airports strive to be too architectural, when it is wholly unnecessary. All we really desire is banal and competent. We’re not going there for any reason other than to get from A to B. It is not a destination we seek out in our downtime. In an airport, I’ll take function over style any day (at least for the essential part of the experience, arrival and departure – not in the First Class Lounge where I expect, nay demand, opulence). Pour me another Dodo Skull of Unicorn Tears, there’s a good fellow!

4) Baggage Claim:

Too often, we are faced with an impenetrable human blockade when attempting to salvage our luggage from the conveyor. It’s like a war zone, only slightly less congenial. The only time people become more territorial over real estate that they don’t actually own, is in shopping mall car parks. Common sense at the baggage carousel should be this:

You stand back in an orderly manner.

Your luggage spins into view.

You casually stroll forwards to the carousel to collect your item(s).

You head merrily on your way.

For the Neanderthals who don’t get it, there could also be a line, 2 metres from the carousel, labelled “Stand This Side of the Fucking Line, You Fucking Fuck”, or something equally ambiguous. This should be coupled in conjunction with a looping, educational video, displayed on an array of screens, providing advice on proper baggage collection etiquette in line with the above.

Failing that, they should eliminate the rotating carousel, and simply have a conveyor, 10 feet off the ground, that dumps all the bags off the end in a huge pile. It will work just as effectively.

What I do love, is the backroom baggage handler who always places a single piece of lost luggage on the conveyor 15 minutes before the real luggage arrives, just to fuck with people. I dig that guy.

5) False Advertising:

You should only be able to name an airport after a city, if it is actually located within the municipal bounds of that particular city. Paris Beauvais Airport, I’m talking to you. “Paris” Beauvais Airport is located in the town of Beauvais – 85 kilometres outside of fucking Paris. I once missed a flight to Prague, after jumping in a cab and asking to go to Paris Beauvais Airport. 120 Euro later, I arrive 5 minutes too late to check-in. “Paris” Beauvais Airport – you just made the list. It is deception of the highest order. So no Christmas card for you this year, fuckers.

One of my favourite deceptions is Frankfurt Hahn, a Ryanair special that’s around an hour and a half from Frankfurt. Congratulations Ryanair. You take the cake (right out of the baby’s mouth).

6) Smokers:

Airports. Please. Fix this. You must have designated, well-ventilated smoking areas – away from all the entrances. Non-smokers shouldn’t have to smoke half a pack of second hand smoke just to get to a taxi, or to get inside the terminal. I hate the smell of cigarettes, and I hate smelling like them. As a non-smoker, this shits me to tears. Fix this.

7) People:

Airports are full of hordes and hordes of people. You’ve met people, surely. So you know what I mean.

Tourists are the worst. How many times have you heard interchanges like this? “Oh, you’re going to Laos? I’ve been to Laos. It’s a nightmare, actually. It’s all tourists and you can’t get a decent Latté anywhere. I actually feel sorry for the people that live there.”

I fucking hate people. Not you, dear reader. Just the other people.

8) Neck Pillows:

People who wear inflatable neck pillows in arrival or departure lounges need to have a dignity biopsy.

9) Clocks:

More of them, please. And the bigger the better. I appreciate that every arrival and departure screen has the time in the corner, but the display is so small that you have to virtually be standing underneath the screen to see it. Incidentally, there is never a Departure Screen in any restaurant, bar or café…

Make it easy on us, airports of the world. We’re always conscious of the time, so please put some big motherfucking clocks up, all over the motherfucking place, for all the motherfuckers to see. Common sense says it would benefit everyone, even the non-motherfuckers.

10) Children:

As many of you likely know, children are essentially small people. Please see Point #7 for more information. Please keep control of your small people, or I will suddenly become “Mr Trivia” on air crash statistics. That should make for some fun family travel for the next 8 hours (and indeed for future travel). This is a public service announcement, parents of small people. You have been warned.

11) Signage:

They’ve announced your flight is boarding just in time for you to discover that Gate 82B is, surprisingly, not right next to Gate 82A, but in a completely different terminal building. Now, I run for no man. Some ladies, yes. But no man. And I don’t want to be a ball of sweat just before boarding a plane for the next 8 hours, and nor does the person sitting next to me. So I choose to walk. I’m checked in, so they have to give me some sort of grace period. But it is an inconvenience all the same.

Besides, just after you get there, you just know they’re going to switch your designated boarding gate to Gate 82A.

12) Inefficiencies:

I know Health and Safety has gone mad, but seriously, walking onto the tarmac, squeezing into a shuttle bus, and then being ferried 30 metres to the plane is just plain ridiculous. Homophone… nice…

13) Duty Free:

What a rort. Airports now direct disembarking passengers through Duty Free shops as part of the departure process. Yet everything in Duty Free is more expensive than High Street shops. And the oversized Toblerones are so large they come with 50% off vouchers for diabetes treatment. Buy your family a gift BEFORE you get to the airport. Or give them an i-Tunes voucher. Or fuck ‘em. Just don’t buy anything Duty Free.

14) Customs/Immigration:

Where do they find Customs Officers? What is it about their demeanour that causes you to look guilty when they question you and to laugh nervously? And why is it sniffer dogs are infatuated with one’s crotch? Why are we always so relieved once we get the all clear, like we got away with something? Is it them, or is it simply the human psyche? I blame them. It’s easier.

15) Hire Cars:

They never, ever, give you the car that matches the picture when you booked online. I’m sorry, but a Hyundai Getz does not resemble an Audi R8, not even in dappled light.

16) Currency:

You have no local currency, so you go to the only ATM at the terminal. It swallows your card. Cab drivers only take cash. You start busking. The only song you remember the words to is “The Old Grey Mare”. It is going to be a long night, regardless of how much energy you put into the choreography.

It is time for a world currency. Bitcoins it is! And here I previously thought they would only be useful for getting and/or hiring a hit.

17) Carry-on Nazis:

I’m not referring to one of those bawdy, British films. I’m talking about the stickling carry-on luggage weighers. You know the ones. They make you weigh your carry-on, and it’s always a kilogram over. Your carry-on could be empty and you’ll still be a kilo over, so there’s no point planning in advance. What you’ll end up doing is carrying a book in one hand, your camera in another, and your laptop around your neck as “oversized bling”. They will then wave you through, even though the net weight is precisely the same. Perplexing system, that one, but irksome nonetheless.

18) Air Conditioning:

Airport climate never matches the climate outside the terminal. It never matches the climate of your intended destination. It never matches the climate on board the plane. It is therefore impossible to turn up at the airport, suitably attired, because airports have their own, fetid ecosystem. You will be shivering, or sweltering. Despite this, airports always seem to produce the perfect living conditions for germs, and germ mutation… This feeds onto my next point.

19) Hygiene:

Airports are cultural melting pots. People from all over this exotic ball of dirt and gas congregate in airports, each one a unique thread that weaves to form the rich tapestry that is our glorious planet, Alderaan. I mean Earth. However, they also bring together a mix of social habits that allows a little piece of their culture to transfer over to my being, usually causing me to curl up in the foetal position on the toilet floor of my luxury poolside villa for at least the first 3 days of my vacation.

They sneeze without covering their mouths. They toilet without washing their hands. They spit without… well, the fact that they spit at all, says it all.

I don’t know what we can do to fix this, but I’d rather risk illness, than wear a surgical mask throughout my travels. I’m one thing, but I’m no Michael Jackson.

20) Travelator:

Nothing gets my goat (aside from goat poachers) more than people who stand stock still on travelators, blocking the way. Move aside. You’re not fucking Gandalf!

It’s also not a magic carpet ride. It is designed to hasten ambulatory rapidity, not to act as a substitute for walking. Maybe I’m being harsh, and some people really do wish to take in all of the sights that Murmansk Airport has to offer (ooh, Salt Mine Tours!). If that is the case, then by all means run two parallel travelators. A walky one. And a standy one. But until that day, get the fuck out of my way! Sprinting on travelators is the only time the words “Fun” and “Run” should go together. Travelators make me feel like I’m Usain Bolt. Until the jarring deceleration at the end brings me back to the realisation that I’m more like Hurley from Lost.

So there you go Airports. The ball is in your court. If you could fix only one, I’d say you weren’t trying…

(*Disclaimer: I travel First/Business class and have a PA, so some of these gripes may or may not apply to my actual travel experience now, but even I did fly economy once upon a time!)

Gazzler’s List

6 Replies

My good friend Nolan Dalla recently wrote a blog piece titled “Ten Common Things I’ve Never Done”

http://www.nolandalla.com/ten-common-things-ive-never-done/

Nolan’s list is quite a fun and interesting read, as it does shed new light on someone I feel I know reasonably well. But I also feel compelled to respond to Nolan’s list, and to make a list of my own.

Nolan, you know I love you. But as friends do, I like to get the boot in, whenever I can.

I shall respond to Nolan’s list first.

1) Nolan has never used illegal drugs. Not once. Period. This from a man who was a teenager in the 1970’s. Nolan, I assure you, you’ve at least inadvertently done illegal drugs. And mate, not all “illegal drugs” are as scary and dangerous as you seem to believe, especially if only used recreationally.

2) Nolan has never bought a new car. Nolan doesn’t know what he is missing. New cars are awesome. It’s not like you’re beta testing by being the first to own a new car. All the behind the scenes safety and performance checks have been done. There are no bugs to iron out. Wouldn’t you rather a gorgeous, shiny kitten that purrs for you? Rather than a tattered, shabby old tabby, with diarrhoea and half of one ear missing, that mews and spits whenever you go near it?

3) Nolan has never been on a Cruise Ship. Ironically, I am in the same boat. I wholeheartedly concur. Once you’re in the middle of the ocean, you’re stuck there. If I’m not having a good time, I like to be able to pack my bags, check out and go someplace better. You do not have that luxury on a cruise. If the cruise is full of screaming children (and I hear that many are) there’s no escape. If the cruise is full of boozy Spring Breakers, there is no escape. That reminds me, there used to be a party Cruise Liner in Australia in the 90’s called “Fairstar the Fun Ship”. Little did they know, it was also known by many as the HMAS Herpes. Party cruises. Can you imagine anything worse? There are only so many times you can call me “dude”, or even worse “duuuuuuude”, before I will hurt you. Oh, and lean in, and listen closely, drunken college students. I’ve hurt people before, and not one of them has come back and asked me to please hurt them again…

4) Nolan has never watched the Simpsons. WTF??!! He mentioned some other TV shows that he’s never watched, including the Sopranos, but I just can’t get past the Simpsons. It’s been on for almost half of your life! You do realise it is not a children’s cartoon, but an “adult” animated series? And it is freakin’ hilarious?! The writing is second to none. So many memorable characters, so many catch phrases. Indeed the character development is superb and has evolved, and honed to perfection over the course of the years. And the voice actors are simply brilliant at bringing the characters to life. I’d suggest you buy the boxed set (but if you watch it for 8 hours straight every day, it will take you the better part of a month to watch it since you have so many years to catch up, you schlub). However I fear that watching it now for the first time, would not be the same as watching it from its inception. I actually feel sorry for you Nolan. You have truly missed out. D’oh. In fact, this has outraged me so much, my next blog post is going to be “My Top 10 Favourite Simpson’s Quotes”. It actually saddens me Nolan, that you may not recognise (or chuckle at) a single one of them…

5) Nolan has never eaten at “Subway, Carl’s Jr., Capriotti, Chick-fil-A, Quizno’s” et al. I’m afraid your list doesn’t effectively sort the wheat from the chaff. Subway, for example cannot be compared to other fast food chains such as Chick-fil-A that peddle mostly in deep fried fare. Subway is ostensibly a fresh sandwich franchise (and Quiznos, to a similar extent). Admittedly, some of Subway’s cold cuts are processed and full of preservatives, but they do also offer fresh-cooked meats, an array of healthy salad ingredients, and bread baked “same day”. If you ate Subway every day, there’s little to no risk of becoming stricken with “Supersize Me” syndrome as evidenced by Morgan Spurlock. I’m not saying you should eat fast food. Your general fast food philosophy is quite sound, and indeed meritorious. I’m simply suggesting there are some healthier chains out there that shouldn’t be tarred by the same brush.

6) Nolan never runs the air conditioning in his car. What is that, I don’t even? You’re in Las Vegas for fuck’s sake. It’s the middle of the fucking desert! Just because cavemen were too tired after a long day of hunting and/or gathering to take the time to invent air conditioning, rest assured they’d have used it in a heartbeat if it existed. And Nolan, your reasoning that it causes motor damage is spurious. I bet that’s something a mechanic told you back in the 80’s and you’ve never forgotten it. You probably also believed that no-one would tire of “HyperColor” t-shirts. The reality is, modern cars (even second-hand ones) are designed for air conditioning to be seamlessly integrated into the engine’s operation. Not running the air conditioning, but then turning it on for the occasional dinner car pool, is actually worse for your vehicle. In fact, I’d hate to be the person who purchases your car second hand. They switch on the air conditioning, the vents splutter a cloud of dust in their face, and the engine conks out. The post-purchase “cooling off” period is quite ironic, in your case.

7) Nolan has never owned a female pet, because they are walking “kitten factories”. Seriously, you’re blaming female cats for bringing kittens into the world? Nolan, come up and sit on my knee. It’s time we had a little talk. Now when a boy cat and a girl cat love each other very much…

Anyway, all that aside. You should neuter your pets, regardless of whether they are male or female. That goes for everyone, neuter your fucking pets, you irresponsible ignoramuses. And never buy from Pet Shops. Pet Shop puppies are mostly bred in puppy mills. Puppy mills are evil, conveyor belts of torture and deprivation. Don’t give these evil people your money, while millions of perfectly happy pets are being needlessly euthanised in animal shelters. Adopt from a shelter, save a life. <end Gaz rant>

8) Nolan claims he has never worn white shoes in his life. I call bullshit. But regardless, it seems an absurd philosophy. If we only wore clothes that camouflaged us against the most common causes of soiling, we’d all be wearing brown and yellow underwear.

9) Nolan has never seen Van Morrison in concert. Nolan you’re not Robinson Crusoe there, although I daresay a lot of Britney fans could learn from your philosophy.

10) Nolan never says “Goodbye” when leaving a social gathering. Nolan, amen brother. Fuck convention. This trumps all of the above in my books. Words to live by, my friend. I’m stealing that one.

Now it is time to throw together my list of “Ten Common Things I’ve Never Done”. It was not as easy an exercise as I thought it would be. I’m fortunate to have enjoyed many, many fun and interesting experiences. However, there are a handful of things (well, two handfuls, if you’re going to be pedantic) that I’ve never done before. Here goes:

1) I have never, ever waxed. Anything. And never will. Sure, I do the odd spot of manscaping. It is important to trim the undergrowth from around the base of the ol’ oak tree, (it makes it look taller) but I have never felt the need to do any widespread, comprehensive land clearing. A man is supposed to have hair. So are ladies, for that matter – how else is the plane supposed to know where to land?

2) I have never snow-skied. This will come as a surprise to most of you who know of my love for Whistler. Truth be told, the idea has always terrified me. Strangely, I am perfectly comfortable snowboarding. I think it is the fear of each leg being independently responsible for my safety. Don’t trust the fuckers to act in unison, so strap ‘em together, I say.

3) I have never been arrested, or even detained. Either I’m very straight-laced, or I’m extremely good at not getting caught. I wonder if Nolan can say the same? No judgement buddy, it would just appear that some are not as wholesome as some, on the whole.

Actually, that reminds me of a joke: “Jesus loves you”. A nice thing to hear in Church, but not so in a Mexican prison…

4) I have never been to South America or New Zealand. Now I am a guy who has been everywhere. Well not literally, obviously. But I have undertaken some heavy business travel over the past 12 years, and have had the pleasure (and sometimes displeasure, truth be told) of visiting over 60-70 countries. I have booked New Zealand trips on several occasions, but the fates got in the way and I have had to cancel each and every one of those visits. And for some strange reason, I have never made it anywhere in South America. I must fix these aberrations. I hear there’s some sort of football tournament coming up down that way. I simply must check it out. Sao Paulo via Queenstown, por favor. Sweet as bro.

5) I have never, or will ever let this kind of thing happen to me: http://www.nolandalla.com/two-russian-cunts-ruined-zucchero-concert/, which could mean my third point might still be in jeopardy. I simply don’t suffer fools. I would rather sort that shit out early, and have them seethe and glare at me while I enjoy the rest of the show, rather than seethe and glare at them, while not enjoying being able to enjoy the rest of the show. There are unwritten social conventions that can sometimes only be taught by harsh lessons.

6) I have never been to a game of baseball. I don’t know why. I have no excuse. I’d actually love to go, but for some reason I’ve never made it happen. I’m a massive cricket fan, and try to see it live when I can, so I can handle the tedium of long, drawn-out sports. Fortunately, I like a drink, so I’m pretty sure I can remain entertained for a few hours. And heck, I love the baby elephant walk. It makes no sense. I’ve been to countless NHL, NBA and NFL games in the US (including several Super Bowls) but have never experienced a live ball game. Right, this is now on my bucket list. My next invite, I am accepting. Except maybe if it’s the Pirates *shudders*

7) I have never bungee jumped. And I have never skydived (but I have zoomed in on Google Earth really, really fast). And I never will. Sorry, it’s unnatural and it’s just pushing your luck. If I am in need of a head rush, I’ll simply stand up too quickly after tying my shoelaces.

8) I have no tattoos. My body is a temple. I would never defile it in any way. *hand me another gin and tonic, my good man* Besides, any artwork I liked enough to hang on my wall 10 years ago is long gone. I can’t say I have the confidence to settle on something I know I’ll like in a year’s time, let alone a lifetime. Can you say the same for your Chinese symbol tramp stamp? You do know it translates to “Goat Fucker” in Chinese? Gaz’s Tip o’ the Day: Never haggle the price with a tattoo artist…

9) I have never seen Schindler’s List. I know, I know. It’s not quite as bad as Nolan and the Simpsons, but it’s true. I missed it during its cinematic run. By then, most of my close acquaintances had seen it. So whenever it came to hiring a movie, Schindler’s List was never considered, as everyone had seen it, and it’s generally not considered “light entertainment”. As a consequence, I have simply not made the time to sit down and watch it. I must fix this.

10) I have never folded 7-2 under the gun. This is because I like to live dangerously. As for conservative, old “Blackshoes Dalla”, I cannot say the same…

Heck, why stop at 10. Let’s make it a neat dozen.

11) I have never broken a plate at a Greek restaurant.

12) Although I have been heard to say otherwise, I have never beaten the following people at golf (at least fairly): Matt Savage, Ty Stewart, Shane Warne, Barry Hearn, Jim Preston and John Caldwell. I am admitting it here, publically. Seth Palansky however, anyone could beat. The guy is a fish.

Right, that’s it. As usual, I welcome some critique in the comments section. Indeed, feel free to throw your lists in there as well, I could do with some shits and giggles.

Until then, bugger off. I’ve got to whittle my next blog down to only 10 Favourite Simpson’s Quotes. This may take a while.

Gareth Edwards – The Blog

The official blog of Gareth Edwards

Category Archives: Travel

Ebola

10 Reasons This Planet is Fucking Awesome!

Home of the Brave… and Quirky!

Bad Air Day