The Grapes of Wrath

13 Replies

BrO_l5NCUAANy-yOkay, okay, so I’m a little bit of a wine snob.

In the same way that Miranda Kerr is a “little bit” of alright.

I constantly travel the world, among elite circles, so I’ve been fortunate to try my hand at many (arguably far too many) a tipple here and there.

That being said, while I am an ultra-mega wine snob, I don’t belittle those who aren’t (well, those who know me will know that I could be stretching a truth a little). For those who aren’t fine wine connoisseurs, I’ve put together some tips for defusing some potentially awkward situations.

Don’t Say “Whatever”

It is great to try new things, but not to be blasé about it. It is better to have an opinion, and appear confident, than to have no opinion at all. When someone asks you what kind of wine you would like, at the very least, pick a colour.

If that is too much pressure, simply turn it back on the asker with “what would you suggest?”

You’ll likely get to try something you’ve never tried before. And if you like it, keep it in the memory bank for next time. Baby steps, my little wine noob. Baby steps.

Don’t Guess, if guessing is all you have

If someone at a wine tasting or cellar door asks you “Can you guess what grape this is?” – tread carefully.   And whatever you do, do not say “Bordeaux”? Bordeaux is a prolific (and important) wine region in Southwest France, not a grape variety.

And if you don’t know the colour of a wine based upon the grape name, do not partake in this guessing game at all. You’ll be a 50/50 chance of only getting the colour right.   A Pinot Noir is red. A Pino Grigio is white. It’s a slippery slope for the uninitiated.

I find it is often best to display a very slight, knowing smile and say nothing at all, waiting for others to play along first.

If put to task, I would then aim to distract. After ostentatiously sniffing and tasting the wine, simply say “ambitious, but never haughty.” If anyone is brave enough to ask you what you mean, glare at them with withering disdain and say nothing further. If pressed, utter a small “hurrumph” and start muttering about pigeons. Better to appear senile, than inept.

Don’t ramble

When someone asks what you think about a particular wine, quite often they are expecting a flowery answer, and one which really cannot be provided without extensive knowledge and experience.

Play it safe, and make deliberately vague, generic comments that you can easily get away with, like “robust”, or “smooth” or simply “good structure”. If all else fails, just say “I don’t know how to describe it, but I like it”.

Do not, under any circumstance, start suggesting which side of the slope the grapes were grown upon, or you’ll look like a pompous git.

Often times, it is simply more fun, and more endearing to your fellow guests, to make light, by peering at your wine with a raised eyebrow, and saying something like “hmmm… it does have an oaky afterbirth”.

Don’t be Grape-cist

Don’t be that guy who says “I only drink Red”. Or “I only drink White”. This is an immediate red flag to any discerning wine buff who is looking to sniff out a novice. Instead, if you truly do hate red wine, come up with a good reason, like “I just had my teeth whitened, so I’d prefer to stick with white tonight”.  Realise also that no two reds or whites are alike. It’s time to put those long-held grudges behind you and pick up a bottle of “the other colour” again. You will likely be pleasantly surprised.

Don’t sniff the cork

Many are aware of the phenomena known as “corking”. In a nutshell, “corked wine” is one that has developed a flaw caused by contamination from a chemical compound contained in cork called 2,4,6-Trichloroanisole, or TCA for short. This is also known as cork taint. The reality is, a cork can be tainted, without the wine being tainted. If the wine is tainted, the wine itself will smell tainted. I assure you, you do not want to reject, or discard an expensive, vintage bottle of plonk based upon a cork sniff. And if you sniff a metal twist-off cap (or a cork-free cork), you are guaranteed to look like a twat.

Don’t overdo it

When a sommelier or a waiter proffers you a small sample before pouring for others, adhere to the ritual, but don’t overdo it. Let me cut to the chase here. The purpose of this ritual is not to determine whether you like the wine, it is solely to determine whether it has been tainted (see above). Do not ask to sniff the cork (see above). Do not over-swirl.   Do not over-sniff. And do not even taste it unless you suspect it might be tainted and you need to know for sure. And you will know then, I assure you.

Instead simply give the wine a quick couple of swirls. Have a quick sniff. And give the sommelier a brief, casual nod. This should take no more than 5 seconds.

Do not lean back in your chair, and make a big song and dance over it, swirling and sniffing and sampling, or else the sommelier will know you are full of shit – and the crafty ones may even seek to trip you up on something else later. It’s not worth the risk. Again, if it is a twist cap, just wave away the entire exercise, and simply tell them to “pour away, my good fellow/lady”.

Don’t imitate Hannibal Lecter every time Chianti is ordered

Maybe one day it will be hip and retro to throw out a Lecter impression. This is not yet that time. Right now, it is still a little bit try-hard. Wait until Silence of the Lambs is a true cult classic. Safe to safe that will be in around 2031. Make a note in your calendar for the year 2025 to start cellaring a nice Chianti Classico in anticipation.  Chances are no-one in the room will get the joke, but oh how you’ll giggle to yourself.

*Note, it is however perfectly acceptable to throw the quote out, whenever you are offered Fava Beans…

Don’t say you prefer a “dry”’ red

Why? I know that you mean to say that you prefer a wine that is less sweet.   The problem is, almost all reds are dry, by design. That means that the sugar has been fermented into alcohol. The sensation of sweetness in red wine is caused by the presence of super-ripe fruit, which tricks your palate into thinking “sweet”. Instead, say that you prefer reds that are “less fruity in style”, like your good self.

The Sideways “Fucking Merlot” Caveat

Don’t hate on fucking Merlot because Paul Giamatti told you so in “Sideways”. Hate on fucking Merlot because it tastes like the fucking Merlot grape has drunk its own pee, after eating a bowl of asparagus soup, just before it was sent to the crusher. It is a varietal meant for blending, and blending only. So don’t go all “Sideways” because a wine contains a blend of Merlot.   But if it’s a straight up fucking Merlot, all gloves are off.

Don’t fear the wine list

They can be lengthy. They can (often) be written in foreign languages. But don’t let that hold you back.

If all else fails, ask your waiter for a recommendation, along the lines of “I’m having the duck, and my friend/spouse/bit-on-the-side is having the Mahi Mahi, what would you recommend to best accompany them?”

If all else fails, select the second or third least-expensive bottle in your grape of choice. But never say “I’ll have a bottle of your second cheapest wine, thanks!”, or you will have foregone all of your previous hard work.

Don’t get into Bubble Trouble

This is another slippery slope. Most wine noobs are at least aware that Champagne is not an arbitrary term for all sparkling wines. If you make this mistake in the presence of anyone who works in the beverage industry, you’ll likely get the age-old lecture that unless the bubbly was made in Champagne (a region in the Northeast of France), it ain’t Champers – it’s sparkling wine. Best to play it safe, and simply talk about the “bubbly” or the “sparkling”.

Dealing with the Arsehole Wine Snob

Aka, the Wine Snoot. A Wine Snoot tends to make the subject of wine appear to be more complicated, more difficult, and more mysterious than it needs to be. Granted, there is an awful lot that can be learned about wine, but the basics one needs to learn in order to improve their appreciation of wine really aren’t that difficult. Wine isn’t rocket science and no one needs to be made to feel stupid around wine by someone making it out to be more complicated than it really is.

All in all, good readers, drinking wine should be enjoyable. There are no firm and fast rules. Wine enjoyment is highly subjective. And it’s truly a personal experience.

So if some over-pompous tosspot starts ruining your experience, wait for them to describe a wine, smile and while shaking your head discouragingly say “no, no, no, that’s not what you’re tasting at all”. And then turn away, and never speak to him again.

And if all else fails, pilfer his car keys and flush them down the toilet.

Home of the Brave… and Quirky!

15 Replies

 

Well right now I am in Vegas, for some partying and poker. Epic dinner was with had with some mates last night including fellow blogger Nolan Dalla, whom is going to write up about some of those shenanigans!

Let me start by saying that I love America, I’ve spent a lot of my life here.

I also love Americans (well some of them). However, it must be noted that you do have some quirks.

You may not know you’re doing them, so perhaps it’s time we had a little talk.

Here are some things that stand out to an outsider:

 

1)     Overuse of the word “like”:

I don’t know how this has developed – I’m talking squarely to you, Generation Y – but it is a blot on society. Like is currently being used, like on average, like once every four words. Life is not one big simile, kids of America!

Stop using “like” as a sentence filler.

Even worse is when “was like” is used to replace the word “said”. Folks, you do realise it is shorter, and easier, to simply use the correct term “said”.

Point in question. Rather than saying “And I was like, I should totally get this skirt. And she was like, you totally should”.

Perhaps try “And I said, this skirt is delightful! I simply must have it! Her reply emphatically supported my notion.”

 

2)     Superficial, Over the Top, Insincerity:

“How’re yooouuuu?” The long, drawn out, 1½ second “ooooo” sound really bugs me. It feels superficial. It feels insincere. It feels fake. Stop it.

I know what you’re going to say – would I prefer genuine rudeness over superficial friendliness?

Yes. Of course I would. It’s honest. It’s real. And I respect that.

What I don’t respect, is being patronised by someone who really, really, doesn’t give a fuck.

 

3)     No metric system:

Seriously America. Why?

It is so easy to use. Factors of 10. Simple.

You are one of only 3 countries that haven’t fully adopted the metric system. Can you guess the others?

The global powerhouses of Myanmar and Liberia.   But you’d better be quick, Myanmar are in the process of making the switch.

Here’s the thing. You’ll have to make the leap eventually. It is inevitable. The longer you wait, the harder, and more costly it will be to introduce.

And if by chance the aliens do one day visit us, you don’t want to be embarrassed, do you? Just you, and ol’ Liberia in the corner, licking the windows.

 

4)     Tipping:

Yes, EVERY foreigner goes there. And yes, I’m going there too.

Why do you suppose that is? It is because the system is fucked up. You’ve let tipping rule you. And it shouldn’t.

I have no objection to tipping well for good service. I will also tip exceedingly well, for exceedingly good service. What I do not feel comfortable doing, is tipping for mediocre service.

Sort out your minimum wage system, charge us enough to cover the worker’s wages in the price of the service, and allow people to tip – at their discretion. It’s really straightforward. The rest of the developed world does it. Why can’t you?

Don’t come back at me with “but that’s just how we do things”. If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten – gently, mocking jibes from the rest of the world. You don’t deserve it, so sort it out.

Tipping a taxi driver. Fuck me.

 

5)     Super Sizing:

There should be a law, that you can only order a supersize meal, if you can prove it will be shared amongst a small to medium sized family.

No single human should consume that volume of food in one sitting. Not even if it *was* healthy.

 

6)     Guns:

Yes, yes. Guns don’t kill people. People kill people (and small, furry animals).

But when was the last time you heard about a “mass stabbing”?

When gun reform was introduced in Australia after the Port Arthur Massacre, there has not been one single mass shooting. Not one.

Check out John Oliver’s 3-part piece that tells it better than I can. Whoop de fucking doo.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9pOiOhxujsE&index=1&list=PLoO6eym0L0F3mJ7qk4ogi8loeiMH8Osrj

 

7)     Non-compulsory voting:

Non-compulsory voting would be fine, if more people actually turned up to vote. In the 2012 Presidential Election, the voter turnout was just over half (~57.5%). That’s pretty abysmal. 42.5% couldn’t give a fuck? Is it apathy? Disinterest? Disenchantment?   Contentment? Indifference?

Don’t assume that those who do turn up to vote are the “right people to make the decisions”? You’re a patriotic nation. It’s your duty (and privilege) to vote.

Take an interest – make a difference. You live in an awesome country. Don’t let everyone else decide how it’s run. Have your (informed) say.

You have no right to whinge about the government, if you sat on your hands when you had the chance to do something about it. Worst comes to worst, at least you can say “I voted for the other guy”.

 

8)     $1 bills:

Dump the fuckers. They’re useless wallet fillers. Switch to coins, and you will boost the economy by over $5 billion over 30 years, simply by reducing the need to reprint old, worn currency.

The rest of the industrialized world replaced their $1 bills with coins. And don’t complain that they would be too heavy. No-one complains about carrying quarters. One $1 coin is lighter than carrying 4 quarters.

I will conceded that it is harder to stuff a $1 coin into a g-string.   But you can throw them further…

9)     The “World Series”:

Yeah, you know where I’m going with this.

You know you technically shouldn’t call something a “World Series”, when the rest of the world isn’t competing. No other country does this.

Surely you’re all self-aware enough to be just a little bit sheepish about this one.

 

10)  Flags:

You’re patriotic. I get that.

You’re proud, I get that too. You have much to be proud of.

What I don’t get, is your obsession with flags. Flags are EVERYwhere. And not just in civic settings.

But who exactly is your target audience, when you hang a flag in your front yard? Is it to prove your allegiance? Is it to one-up your neighbour? What do you do if they then buy a flag? Buy another flag?

You are the most flag-obsessed people on the planet, and I just don’t get it.

 

11)  Pickles:

What is it with America and pickles?! The average American eats around 4kg (over 8lbs) of pickles every year.

That’s a lot of fucking pickles.

Don’t get me wrong, I like a good pickle. But please stop with the complimentary pickle.

If I desire a pickle, I shall ask for said pickle.

And why pickles in the first place? Why not a banana? Why not a pretzel?

 

12)  Product Pricing:

Include any taxes in the total advertised product price. Let people know in advance, exactly how much they need to pay for an item.

By all means, provide a receipt which shows the cost of the goods sold, along with any relevant taxes, but when advertising a product, be upfront and honest.

Do you not include taxes in the advertised price because it looks cheaper?

Is it because taxes vary from state to state?

Is it because you simply like to fuck with your customers, at every opportunity?

Surely it is not difficult to put a sticker on shelves in front of items, featuring the full purchase price? I appreciate there is extra work involved (it’s really not that much work, but I’ll throw you a bone), but the advantage is the service you provide your customer, and the resultant satisfaction. This is Business 101. Customer retention. Small gestures often reap long-term rewards. And it is seriously, not that hard.

Other countries in the developed worlds have sales taxes. They seem to be able to advertise the full ticket price.

Frankly, it just seems, as per a lot of my points, you seem strangely addicted to retaining goofy systems.

 

13)  Cheese in a Spray Can:

How did this product even come into existence?!

Can you imagine the round-table discussion by the focus group boffins?

“I like cheese, but I hate the inconvenience of having to unwrap the cheese. Cut off a slice. And then put it on a biscuit. All before I can put it in my mouth? Seriously, I don’t got that kinda time. If only there was a way of fast-tracking the union of cheese with gullet…”

And hey presto. Cancer in a can was born.

 

14)  Religion:

As an atheist, there is far too much religious zealotry in the USA for my liking. It invades politics. It invades schools. It invades your televisions.

There is no place for religion in public policy.

 

15)  Bastardising the English language:

Or as the Americans would say, “Bastardizing”. Why have you selectively changed the spelling of the mother tongue?   You are the sole reason there are two English language options in most software applications.

Do me a favour? Stop changing the way favour is spelled… (or colour, or honour, or recognise, or plagiarise).

 

16)  “African American”:

Not the actual people – just the term “African American”.   The point is they are just people. American people. Why is there a need for any qualifying label? I don’t know of any other country where this nomenclature exists. African Canadians? African Italians? African Irish?

Dr King’s dream would appear to still be a long way off.

 

17)  Canned Laughter:

Give the viewing audience some credit. They will know when to laugh, without prompting. In fact, there are few things worse, than canned laughter inserted after something flagrantly unfunny. Like after anything Tom Green says.

 

18)  Pizza Pie:

Pizza and Pie are both lovely things in their own right, but they are surely different. A pizza is not a pie. Ask the Italians. They’ll back me up.

 

19)  Giant Gaps under Toilet Stalls:

Why? I absolutely, do not wish to be able to see another person, or have them able to see me, when I’m “dropping the kids off at the pool”. I fail to see why this phenomena exists. Who wants this?

Incidentally, why do you guys call it a “Rest Room”? There aren’t even any bean bags?!

 

20)  Walmart.

Enough said.

 

Change, don’t change, it’s up to you, you quirky bastards. I’m still going to love you (although I will talk about you behind your backs).

Selfies

4,066 Replies

Selfies. Love them or hate them, you must admit, it’s pretty easy to hate them…

The term “Selfie” is a recent Australian concept, but the notion of the selfie has been around since before the invention of the camera.

This 17th century painting of the Dutch artist Rembrandt is a self-portrait. The painting is worth an estimated $50 million. Not bad for a selfie. Not bad at all.

Selfie1

The Italian Renaissance painter (and Ninja Turtle inspiration) Raphael, was a notorious selfie painter.  He used to hide a selfie in his major frescoes.  You could spot him, because he was the one “staring at the camera”.  Here he is in his famous “The School of Athens” painted in 1509 in the Apostolic Palace of the Vatican.  Nice one Raffa.  Possibly also the earliest example of “Where’s Waldo”.

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However, it’s hard to beat an original. In terms of “true selfies”, you have to hand to it to the guy who started it all. This dishevelled self-portrait by Robert Cornelius, taken outside his family’s lamp and chandelier store, is believed to be the oldest ever captured.

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However, as a general rule, selfies are a no-go.

As a specific rule, selfies are a no-go.

There are very, very few legitimate, acceptable reasons to take a selfie.

These are those few examples:

1)     The “Once in a Lifetime Selfie”

Where the rarefied surroundings warrant a sick, sick selfie brag. Like this guy – Lee Thompson. The 31-year old Londoner recently convinced Brazilian authorities that he should climb up the inside of Christ the Redeemer while in Rio for the World Cup.

This is the outcome:

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2)     Any “Smurfie Selfie”

Well, I am a Smurf tragic.

The talented Shayne Murphy whipped this one up for me.  Nice one mate.

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3)     “Dog Selfies”

Sure, they’re not *real* selfies, but they are pretty freakin’ cool.  They’re dogs.  Taking selfies.

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4)     “Miranda Kerr Selfies”

Morning-hair, bedroom-eyes selfies?  Please selfie away Miranda, I’ll tell you when to stop.

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5)     Ricky Gervais “Bath Pics”

The water’s natural refraction, coupled with the camera angle = comically distorted the features.  The results?

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6)     “Covert Selfies”

When you absolutely, positively must capture the moment discreetly, but you don’t want to be overt.

Again, this one’s not technically a selfie, but it does really get to the “nuts and bolts” of it.

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The rest, unacceptable.

Here are examples:

1)     “Justin Bieber Selfies”

Seriously, is just me, or does Justin Bieber look like he is having something forcibly inserted, or removed, from his rectum in most of his selfies?

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2)     The “Gratuitous Selfie”

AKA, the “Obvious Selfie”.  Yes, P-Diddy.  We see what you’re doing.  Obvious Selfie is obvious.  Well done.  You’ve stood where only a handful (of millions) of people have stood.

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3)     “Darwin Awards Selfie”

For those oxygen thieves who are wasting all that good usable air.  You know who you are.

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4)        The “I’m a total cunt Selfie”

Yes Shaq, I’m looking squarely at you.

The Shaqwit ended up apologising to Jahmel Binion – a Detroit man with a rare disorder, for making fun of his appearance online.  Binion was a massive Shaq fan.  I stress, “was”.

Binion has ectodermal dysplasia, which affects his face, teeth and hair.  He commented afterwards that he was “confused” when O’Neal posted a picture on Instagram making a face “imitating” Binion.

Binion said he was thinking, “Man, he’s supposed to be this role model, someone everyone is supposed to look up to.  If Shaq does something like this, everyone who follows him will think, ‘We should do this.’”

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5)     “The Anti-Miranda Selfie”

Mr Warne, you know I love you, and cannot wait to catch up in a week or two.  But Ms Summer Warne is spot on.  Stahp!  Please leave these to the professionals.  Otherwise you will lessen the chance of Miranda “sharing” a bed-hair selfie.

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Fortunately, there is some “Selfie Karma” as highlighted below.

1)     The “Heads Up!” Selfie.

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2)     The “Pre- and Post- Car Crash” Selfie

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3)     The “Camel Chomp” Selfie

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4)     The “Keep Behind the Yellow Line” Selfie

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5)     The “Lowest Approval Rating” Selfie.

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All in all, while this is a bit of a fluff piece, the recent selfie explosion must stop.

Self indulgent?  Self absorbed?  Self gratifying?

Either way, you’re likely to be spending more time with yourselfie if you keep this up.

But hey, if you absolutely must feel the need to send me a selfie, please feel free to go fuck your selfie.

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51 years, wasted… so far…

4 Replies

An old university buddy Truls Fauske, posted this on this his Facebook page, and it got my attention, so thought would share! (and also I thought it fitting to contribute to the loss of productivity).

by TF…..

Here is a crazy statistic for you lot. 

Some of you might know i stuck this random video on YouTube a few years back. Against all odds, it attracted more than 10 views. Then more than 100, then i broke the 10,000 within a month or so, then i forgot about it for a few months and when i checked back it had broken 1 mil. Yeah. Its now at 28mil views. Which makes me somewhat of a YouTube dignitarian. I know thats not a word, but i digress.

One of the cool stats YouTube provides is how may MINUTES your video has been watched. The metric was only introduced in September 2012, but its still a great way of visualizing just how much of humanity’s TIME you have wasted.

As of today, i have documented proof of wasting 27,265,079 minutes of your collective lives. That’s roughly 18,934 days of productivity i have snatched straight out of the world economy. 51 YEARS of time, totally gone, that could, nay, should have been spent on discovering fusion, commercializing flying cars and building the space elevator.

I believe humanity would be well served if i was paid a neat sum to take down my video, so we can get on with things. We should probably outlaw catvideos too, that should save a further 2-3 bazillion years of productivity.

The YouTube video is this;

Bad Air Day

351 Replies

I hate airports. Airports are nature’s armpits. Yet it feels like I spend half of my life in them. In fact I probably do. For most of my adult life, I’ve travelled extensively for work, interspersed with pleasure. As such, I’ve seen a lot of airports, in a lot of countries. For the most part, they’re dreadful places, but there’s no reason that they should be. Yet sadly there’s precious little we can do about it.

Partly we pay for airports with fees hidden in our ticket prices. As such, we are essentially captive customers. We can’t take our business elsewhere without it being awfully, awfully inconvenient and/or inefficient. The Siberian Railway, Zeppelins and Shetland Ponies will only get you so far, nowadays.

Can we protest the charges hidden in our airfares? No.

Can we negotiate a better deal? Of course not.

Airlines aren’t going to help us either. They want to pay the airport as little as possible to use it themselves, so they’re happy for passengers to be endlessly swindled by rampant profiteering. “That’ll be $100 for parking, $15 for that limp sandwich and $10 for your teensy, tiny beer, etc. etc.”

So what are my* biggest gripes? Here are twenty to get you started:

 

1)     Wi-Fi:

All airports should have free Wi-Fi. We’re forced into turning up hours before departure to make things smoother for both the airport and the airlines. The least they can do is pony up for free and good Wi-Fi. Relax, we’ll still buy your overpriced, tepid coffee. Just please allow us to get some business done. Or at the very least distract ourselves from all the other unpleasantness, and heaven forbid, interactions with humans.

 

2)     Security:

Stop the over-scrutinising security. More than 12 years on from 9/11 and airport security remains a theatre of the absurd. Bin Laden must be laughing (gurgling?) in his grave.

It started with the confiscation of all things pointy. No more mid-flight self-administered mani-pedis for Uncle Gaz. Sigh. Now I’m embarrassed to show my toes in meetings.

Next came the mandatory shoe and belt removal, accompanied by increasingly bored pat downs. Seriously if you’re going to touch me up, at least show some interest. Indeed Security don’t actually need you to remove your belt and shoes. These sadists get their kicks from watching you try to waddle off while juggling all of your shit (laptop, keys, wallet, phone, sunglasses, bag, belt and shoes) with one hand, while holding your pants up with the other. There’s a word for them, and it doesn’t not rhyme with bunts.

The latest was the prohibition of liquids and gels. The liquid thing always makes me laugh. At every security checkpoint you’ll see a bin brimming with “contraband” containers taken from passengers for having exceeded the volume limit. Now, the assumption has to be that the materials in those containers are potentially hazardous. If not, why were they seized in the first place? But if so, why are they dumped unceremoniously into the trash? They are not quarantined or handed over to the bomb squad – they are simply thrown away. They seem to be saying they know these things are harmless, but they’re going to confiscate them anyway, and either you accept it or you don’t fly. Point in question – renowned (and outspoken) atheist Richard Dawkins reacts to having a small pot of honey confiscated. I hear you, Mr Dawkins. http://www.news.com.au/travel/travel-updates/scientist-and-atheist-activist-richard-dawkins-loses-it-after-airport-security-confiscates-his-honey/story-e6frfq80-1226753217875

 

3)     Layout:

Airport design boffins – please design airports more functionally. Seriously, you should have anticipated that there would be queues. So at least design the place so that the inevitable queues don’t cross the thoroughfares. Should be simple enough, surely. I hate queues at the best of times, but having to cross a queue to get to another queue, is not only impractical, but downright infuriating (see Point #7 for more information). Furthermore, many airports strive to be too architectural, when it is wholly unnecessary. All we really desire is banal and competent. We’re not going there for any reason other than to get from A to B. It is not a destination we seek out in our downtime. In an airport, I’ll take function over style any day (at least for the essential part of the experience, arrival and departure – not in the First Class Lounge where I expect, nay demand, opulence). Pour me another Dodo Skull of Unicorn Tears, there’s a good fellow!

 

4)     Baggage Claim:

Too often, we are faced with an impenetrable human blockade when attempting to salvage our luggage from the conveyor. It’s like a war zone, only slightly less congenial. The only time people become more territorial over real estate that they don’t actually own, is in shopping mall car parks. Common sense at the baggage carousel should be this:

 

You stand back in an orderly manner.

Your luggage spins into view.

You casually stroll forwards to the carousel to collect your item(s).

You head merrily on your way.

For the Neanderthals who don’t get it, there could also be a line, 2 metres from the carousel, labelled “Stand This Side of the Fucking Line, You Fucking Fuck”, or something equally ambiguous. This should be coupled in conjunction with a looping, educational video, displayed on an array of screens, providing advice on proper baggage collection etiquette in line with the above.

Failing that, they should eliminate the rotating carousel, and simply have a conveyor, 10 feet off the ground, that dumps all the bags off the end in a huge pile. It will work just as effectively.

What I do love, is the backroom baggage handler who always places a single piece of lost luggage on the conveyor 15 minutes before the real luggage arrives, just to fuck with people. I dig that guy.

 

5)     False Advertising:

You should only be able to name an airport after a city, if it is actually located within the municipal bounds of that particular city. Paris Beauvais Airport, I’m talking to you. “Paris” Beauvais Airport is located in the town of Beauvais – 85 kilometres outside of fucking Paris. I once missed a flight to Prague, after jumping in a cab and asking to go to Paris Beauvais Airport. 120 Euro later, I arrive 5 minutes too late to check-in. “Paris” Beauvais Airport – you just made the list. It is deception of the highest order. So no Christmas card for you this year, fuckers.

One of my favourite deceptions is Frankfurt Hahn, a Ryanair special that’s around an hour and a half from Frankfurt. Congratulations Ryanair. You take the cake (right out of the baby’s mouth).

 

6)     Smokers:

Airports. Please. Fix this. You must have designated, well-ventilated smoking areas – away from all the entrances. Non-smokers shouldn’t have to smoke half a pack of second hand smoke just to get to a taxi, or to get inside the terminal. I hate the smell of cigarettes, and I hate smelling like them. As a non-smoker, this shits me to tears. Fix this.

 

7)     People:

Airports are full of hordes and hordes of people. You’ve met people, surely. So you know what I mean.

Tourists are the worst. How many times have you heard interchanges like this? “Oh, you’re going to Laos? I’ve been to Laos. It’s a nightmare, actually. It’s all tourists and you can’t get a decent Latté anywhere. I actually feel sorry for the people that live there.”

I fucking hate people. Not you, dear reader. Just the other people.

 

8)     Neck Pillows:

People who wear inflatable neck pillows in arrival or departure lounges need to have a dignity biopsy.

 

9)     Clocks:

More of them, please. And the bigger the better. I appreciate that every arrival and departure screen has the time in the corner, but the display is so small that you have to virtually be standing underneath the screen to see it. Incidentally, there is never a Departure Screen in any restaurant, bar or café…

Make it easy on us, airports of the world. We’re always conscious of the time, so please put some big motherfucking clocks up, all over the motherfucking place, for all the motherfuckers to see. Common sense says it would benefit everyone, even the non-motherfuckers.

 

10)  Children:

As many of you likely know, children are essentially small people. Please see Point #7 for more information. Please keep control of your small people, or I will suddenly become “Mr Trivia” on air crash statistics. That should make for some fun family travel for the next 8 hours (and indeed for future travel). This is a public service announcement, parents of small people. You have been warned.

 

11)  Signage:

They’ve announced your flight is boarding just in time for you to discover that Gate 82B is, surprisingly, not right next to Gate 82A, but in a completely different terminal building. Now, I run for no man. Some ladies, yes. But no man. And I don’t want to be a ball of sweat just before boarding a plane for the next 8 hours, and nor does the person sitting next to me. So I choose to walk. I’m checked in, so they have to give me some sort of grace period. But it is an inconvenience all the same.

Besides, just after you get there, you just know they’re going to switch your designated boarding gate to Gate 82A.

 

12)  Inefficiencies:

I know Health and Safety has gone mad, but seriously, walking onto the tarmac, squeezing into a shuttle bus, and then being ferried 30 metres to the plane is just plain ridiculous. Homophone… nice…

 

13)  Duty Free:

What a rort. Airports now direct disembarking passengers through Duty Free shops as part of the departure process. Yet everything in Duty Free is more expensive than High Street shops. And the oversized Toblerones are so large they come with 50% off vouchers for diabetes treatment. Buy your family a gift BEFORE you get to the airport. Or give them an i-Tunes voucher. Or fuck ‘em. Just don’t buy anything Duty Free.

 

14)  Customs/Immigration:

Where do they find Customs Officers? What is it about their demeanour that causes you to look guilty when they question you and to laugh nervously? And why is it sniffer dogs are infatuated with one’s crotch? Why are we always so relieved once we get the all clear, like we got away with something? Is it them, or is it simply the human psyche? I blame them. It’s easier.

 

15)  Hire Cars:

They never, ever, give you the car that matches the picture when you booked online.  I’m sorry, but a Hyundai Getz does not resemble an Audi R8, not even in dappled light.

 

16)  Currency:

You have no local currency, so you go to the only ATM at the terminal. It swallows your card. Cab drivers only take cash. You start busking. The only song you remember the words to is “The Old Grey Mare”. It is going to be a long night, regardless of how much energy you put into the choreography.

It is time for a world currency. Bitcoins it is! And here I previously thought they would only be useful for getting and/or hiring a hit.

 

17)  Carry-on Nazis:

I’m not referring to one of those bawdy, British films. I’m talking about the stickling carry-on luggage weighers. You know the ones. They make you weigh your carry-on, and it’s always a kilogram over. Your carry-on could be empty and you’ll still be a kilo over, so there’s no point planning in advance. What you’ll end up doing is carrying a book in one hand, your camera in another, and your laptop around your neck as “oversized bling”.  They will then wave you through, even though the net weight is precisely the same. Perplexing system, that one, but irksome nonetheless.

 

18)  Air Conditioning:

Airport climate never matches the climate outside the terminal. It never matches the climate of your intended destination. It never matches the climate on board the plane. It is therefore impossible to turn up at the airport, suitably attired, because airports have their own, fetid ecosystem. You will be shivering, or sweltering. Despite this, airports always seem to produce the perfect living conditions for germs, and germ mutation… This feeds onto my next point.

 

19)  Hygiene:

Airports are cultural melting pots. People from all over this exotic ball of dirt and gas congregate in airports, each one a unique thread that weaves to form the rich tapestry that is our glorious planet, Alderaan. I mean Earth.   However, they also bring together a mix of social habits that allows a little piece of their culture to transfer over to my being, usually causing me to curl up in the foetal position on the toilet floor of my luxury poolside villa for at least the first 3 days of my vacation.

They sneeze without covering their mouths. They toilet without washing their hands. They spit without… well, the fact that they spit at all, says it all.

I don’t know what we can do to fix this, but I’d rather risk illness, than wear a surgical mask throughout my travels. I’m one thing, but I’m no Michael Jackson.

 

20)  Travelator:

Nothing gets my goat (aside from goat poachers) more than people who stand stock still on travelators, blocking the way. Move aside. You’re not fucking Gandalf!

It’s also not a magic carpet ride. It is designed to hasten ambulatory rapidity, not to act as a substitute for walking. Maybe I’m being harsh, and some people really do wish to take in all of the sights that Murmansk Airport has to offer (ooh, Salt Mine Tours!). If that is the case, then by all means run two parallel travelators. A walky one. And a standy one. But until that day, get the fuck out of my way! Sprinting on travelators is the only time the words “Fun” and “Run” should go together. Travelators make me feel like I’m Usain Bolt. Until the jarring deceleration at the end brings me back to the realisation that I’m more like Hurley from Lost.

So there you go Airports. The ball is in your court. If you could fix only one, I’d say you weren’t trying…

(*Disclaimer: I travel First/Business class and have a PA, so some of these gripes may or may not apply to my actual travel experience now, but even I did fly economy once upon a time!)